I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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