I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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