R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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