I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
