YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize