I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
