i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
