Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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