You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
