Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize