There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
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