i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
