You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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