I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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