I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm like, not good at living.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
