why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
