you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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