im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize