Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
