I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
