Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
did i just pee glitter
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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