My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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