Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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