he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
