Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Shame - the story of my life.
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