This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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