I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
