I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
