i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
