If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
