So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize