hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
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