Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
