The maid of honor just puked.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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