nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
