he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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