I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Barsexuality is the new black.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize