quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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