You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Randomize
