Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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