Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
