he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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