So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I think we might need a safe word for this...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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