totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
