I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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