I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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