just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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