I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize