my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
