i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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