What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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