Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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