Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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