I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
