Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize