shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
