She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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