i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
