was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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