he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
