I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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