i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
